I am going to write my prayers tonight because I don’t know what to say and I know my words will fail me. I don’t know what my problem is. I know I’m being disobedient. I know I’m acting like Jonah, running from my Nineveh. Why am I caught up in fear? Why am I scared of You? I am so comfortable and worried of the change. I fear what you will ask of me. I fear I will fail you. I fear I won’t commit. I fear I will let you down. I fear that unknown place. I fear not getting approval of man. I fear leaving here. I fear giving up what I know. I fear vulnerability. I feel like I’m in a weird place with You right now, like I’m keeping You at arms length and trying to hide from You instead of in You. Lord, I am not a slave to fear! I am a slave to You. I am free in You. Help me to step out of the bondage You’ve already freed me from. Help me to take off my makeup and facade so I can look like You again. I want our sweet spot back but I want more than that. Deep down I long for an even stronger awareness of You. I am sick and tired of the walls I’ve built around You. Unchurch me. Help me to see You rightly. I want to know You for who You are.”
This was from a journal entry almost 4 years ago. As I was led by the Spirit to read it this morning, I was immediately brought back to that time in my life. It was dark and lonely and I was bound by fear. You see, I knew that God was asking for my all but I was afraid to give it. Figuratively, I was standing on the shoreline watching the waves crash knowing He was out there but too afraid to go to Him. I had too many things in my hands that I wouldn’t have been able to swim anyway and I had a really comfy spot in the sand. The longing was there inside of me to go to Him but I silenced it. I silenced Him in that season and I know it broke His heart.
Two months after I wrote this, I found myself in Florida visiting some dear friends (I was living in Maryland at the time). Little did I know that my trip to “escape” God was the very place I would face Him. I will never forget the moment. It is forever etched on my heart and burned in my mind.
I was sitting alone on the sand with the ocean before me. It was a beautiful day and no one was around. All of the sudden I felt like a bucket of fear and worthlessness was dumped on my head and I literally felt like I couldn’t move. In one flash of a moment I knew I had a choice to stay right there stuck or to get up and run into the waves. It took all of my strength and all of my will but I broke free from the pull of the shore and dove into the water. I went under in desperation but came up and breathed in hope. It was there I heard the Lord say, “I’ve been waiting for you here daughter.” He wasn’t mad at me. He wasn’t disappointed in me. He just loved on me as I sobbed on His chest, my heart finally laid before Him. I told Him I was so sorry for running and that I was finally ready.
That day changed my life folks. That day where I finally said, “Lord I’m ready, I’m willing, here I am” led me to here and now. It is my anthem every day. You don’t have to be bound by fear or shame or anything holding you to the shore. Jesus is calling you deeper. He’s calling you to Him. He loves you so much. Get in the waves with Him. It is everything. You will never look back.